The Family
The Family --Manipulation in families is a common component that occurs among family members. It is more disconcerting when it comes from the parents to the children. Two most visible forms I have encountered as an educator and shared by friends were (1) one parent, usually the female, requiring that the child takes the role (especially the male child) as the adult male in the home when the father is not in the home; and (2) manipulating the child against the other parent. Manipulating your child for your personal gain is despicable, wrong and selfish. It is a negative behavior that places pressure on the child to take on a role/task that is not theirs to handle, and causes them to have a skewed perception of the missing parent.
The word of God speaks clearly to us in Ephesians 6:22-33. Women, now I speak to you as a woman myself. If there is a (male not female) father in the home, do not take his role as the man of the house or try to outshine him to the children. Yes, there are times when they move in their own time, but when a man no longer feels like he is the man of the home, the children can see that too and there will be little or no respect given to that man. Don't call him names and don't fuss at him all the time, you are only giving room to the enemy as well as to the things he chose to turn his eyes away from on the street. You two must come together as one to meet the needs of raising your children in the will of God and teach them how to function when they become of age and have their own family. Therefore, WIVES, submit yourselves unto your husband.Ephesians 6:22-33 If you notice, the Bible did not say to men, but to your HUSBAND, not your boyfriend, not your sex partner, YOUR HUSBAND - YOU MUST BE MARRIED TO HIM, not shacking up, not acting as though you are married, when you're not. Wives, submitting does not mean that you lose who you are, it simply means that you function in the capacity as wife, help meet, lover, companion and best friend to your husband. Men, by the same token, a wife submitting herself to you as her husband does not make her the weaker vessel and it does not mean she is your maid, your ho, or your dog. No, absolutely not. 1 Peter 3:7 says "Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered." My understanding of this scripture conceptualizes the wife as the weaker vessel, does not suggest that women are weak in spirit, mind and body. It speaks to the wife's place in relation to her husband being his help meet and the husband being her head even as God is the head of her husband and the church. God has spoken of the women being given unto prayer and the power to do spiritual warfare, that doesn't say weak to me. The wife is in a position to pray and be a spiritual warrior to cover her husband as he ventures out to work, provide and care for his family. In the same manner, the enemy knows what he likes and will entice him with it throughout his day. Keeping him in prayer and lifted up will help to guard his heart with all due diligence. If he chooses to step outside the marriage, then that's on him, but you should keep him in prayer. Giving honor unto the wife and as being heirs together of the grace of life does not say -- my maid--it says help meet, wife, companion, friend, partner joined together as one -- by HOLY vows unto God. Understand that by choosing to see your wife as anything less will hinder your prayers unto God. Need I continue?
Husbands and Wives, whatever you do, DO NOT embarrass or emasculate your spouse in public or in the company of others and DO NOT take the side of the child against your spouse in front of the child. God is not the author of confusion and he tells us to mark them which cause division ..., and avoid them (Romans 20:17-18). I have seen and heard of women who emasculate men publicly and privately and think nothing of it but it is truly vile. God did not make the woman the head of the family and the bible says that Eve was formed from Adams' rib, not the other way around. Your husband may not understand or may choose to do things his way, but he is still to be respected. There are times when we lose respect for them when they commit adultery or have been abusive (married or not), but it does not justify emasculation or any demeaning behaviors toward him. God sees his behavior, but God is looking at how you choose to behave toward him. I can't tell you what to do, but I choose to address it in private instead of public, and I forgive. My flesh says to heck with this person because he did me wrong, so I should wish the world of ill toward him. It doesn't mean I am not in pain and feel like I can't trust him anymore. A worthwhile conversation may not ever happen, but I'm not willing to make a public display of the situation because it will dishonor who God is in my life, it will only draw negative attention to me, cause embarrassment and will not bring any lasting or meaningful satisfaction. When I forgive and address it privately, I am able to give it to God and start the healing process for me, not for him --for me. I refuse to be dragged down by his indiscretion or feel guilty because of his choices. Giving in to your anger and pain because of the betrayal will cause you to respond with your flesh versus the God in you who heals. Will healing and forgiveness happen overnight? Will the pain go away quickly? I can't answer any of those questions, but I can tell you it will happen in time, even when it feels like it's taking forever --it make you resilient and wiser.
In regards to not taking the children's side against the other parent --I am not telling you to literally keep away from your children or not to believe anything they say, but understand that children are just as capable of manipulating a situation when they want to have things their way. Yes, as cute as our children may be, the devil not only finds work for idle hands to do, but he will use whomever he please, especially when that person leaves themselves wide open because they choose to scheme to get what they want. Choose your battles wisely and get the facts before you go off. It may require some professional counseling to ensure that what the child shared was true and not a retaliation for a behavior because they were disciplined or would be disciplined.
Parents if you are unable to see eye to eye and you live in separate homes or another blended family, DO NOT USE your children to create conflict in each others lives. Your children are not pawns and are the ones who end up getting hurt throughout your rivalry. The children are also the ones who suffer long-term because they become even more confused about what is going on and no one to properly guide them to an understanding. The relationship/marriage may have ended badly, but it is important to consider creating a harmonious environment to minimize animosity among the siblings where necessary. The outcome to help our children is for parents to avoid and/or minimize behaviors that may ultimately destroy the fabric of the family and what it should mean to our children regardless to whether they are living with both paternal parents, in a blended family or in a single parent household.
- Manipulation destroys the minds of our children, create confusion and distort their values and beliefs of life and family. Requiring that the child takes the role (especially the male child) as the adult male when the father is not in the home automatically sets your male child up for failure. Our children and young adults (youths, teens) are in the developmental stages and are gullible, easily manipulated and do not fully comprehend all that they see and learn. I understand that some of our young children are babies having babies at a very early age because of sexual indecency, but it doesn't mean they know how to or understand parenting. Did you understanding parenting when you became a parent? I know I didn't --and I started at 34. Even with such a late start, no parenting handbook could have prepared me for the differences in my children and what I would encounter, so why would we expect them to understand?
- Manipulating the child against the other parent shows a level of disrespect, covert/overt manipulation and discontentment. It may be challenging for the woman who became a parent due to a rape or a male who became a parent through manipulation by a female. On the other hand, those of us who made the express decision to become involved with the people we subsequently had children with should be responsible for our actions. Take into consideration that we made the choice to be with them, to stay with them, to engage in sexual indecency with them without protection and got pregnant. It was not the fault of the child, so why bring the children into the adult conversation and manipulate them into taking sides? Some children become resentful for the manipulation then we want to become bitter and blame the other party for the child's bitterness toward us. Did we honestly think the children would not eventually grow up and see and hear enough to make sense of the lies and the way they were manipulated? Let us endeavor to take a more Godly approach to raising our children so that we can be the role models to guide them to their future.
The word of God speaks clearly to us in Ephesians 6:22-33. Women, now I speak to you as a woman myself. If there is a (male not female) father in the home, do not take his role as the man of the house or try to outshine him to the children. Yes, there are times when they move in their own time, but when a man no longer feels like he is the man of the home, the children can see that too and there will be little or no respect given to that man. Don't call him names and don't fuss at him all the time, you are only giving room to the enemy as well as to the things he chose to turn his eyes away from on the street. You two must come together as one to meet the needs of raising your children in the will of God and teach them how to function when they become of age and have their own family. Therefore, WIVES, submit yourselves unto your husband.Ephesians 6:22-33 If you notice, the Bible did not say to men, but to your HUSBAND, not your boyfriend, not your sex partner, YOUR HUSBAND - YOU MUST BE MARRIED TO HIM, not shacking up, not acting as though you are married, when you're not. Wives, submitting does not mean that you lose who you are, it simply means that you function in the capacity as wife, help meet, lover, companion and best friend to your husband. Men, by the same token, a wife submitting herself to you as her husband does not make her the weaker vessel and it does not mean she is your maid, your ho, or your dog. No, absolutely not. 1 Peter 3:7 says "Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered." My understanding of this scripture conceptualizes the wife as the weaker vessel, does not suggest that women are weak in spirit, mind and body. It speaks to the wife's place in relation to her husband being his help meet and the husband being her head even as God is the head of her husband and the church. God has spoken of the women being given unto prayer and the power to do spiritual warfare, that doesn't say weak to me. The wife is in a position to pray and be a spiritual warrior to cover her husband as he ventures out to work, provide and care for his family. In the same manner, the enemy knows what he likes and will entice him with it throughout his day. Keeping him in prayer and lifted up will help to guard his heart with all due diligence. If he chooses to step outside the marriage, then that's on him, but you should keep him in prayer. Giving honor unto the wife and as being heirs together of the grace of life does not say -- my maid--it says help meet, wife, companion, friend, partner joined together as one -- by HOLY vows unto God. Understand that by choosing to see your wife as anything less will hinder your prayers unto God. Need I continue?
Husbands and Wives, whatever you do, DO NOT embarrass or emasculate your spouse in public or in the company of others and DO NOT take the side of the child against your spouse in front of the child. God is not the author of confusion and he tells us to mark them which cause division ..., and avoid them (Romans 20:17-18). I have seen and heard of women who emasculate men publicly and privately and think nothing of it but it is truly vile. God did not make the woman the head of the family and the bible says that Eve was formed from Adams' rib, not the other way around. Your husband may not understand or may choose to do things his way, but he is still to be respected. There are times when we lose respect for them when they commit adultery or have been abusive (married or not), but it does not justify emasculation or any demeaning behaviors toward him. God sees his behavior, but God is looking at how you choose to behave toward him. I can't tell you what to do, but I choose to address it in private instead of public, and I forgive. My flesh says to heck with this person because he did me wrong, so I should wish the world of ill toward him. It doesn't mean I am not in pain and feel like I can't trust him anymore. A worthwhile conversation may not ever happen, but I'm not willing to make a public display of the situation because it will dishonor who God is in my life, it will only draw negative attention to me, cause embarrassment and will not bring any lasting or meaningful satisfaction. When I forgive and address it privately, I am able to give it to God and start the healing process for me, not for him --for me. I refuse to be dragged down by his indiscretion or feel guilty because of his choices. Giving in to your anger and pain because of the betrayal will cause you to respond with your flesh versus the God in you who heals. Will healing and forgiveness happen overnight? Will the pain go away quickly? I can't answer any of those questions, but I can tell you it will happen in time, even when it feels like it's taking forever --it make you resilient and wiser.
In regards to not taking the children's side against the other parent --I am not telling you to literally keep away from your children or not to believe anything they say, but understand that children are just as capable of manipulating a situation when they want to have things their way. Yes, as cute as our children may be, the devil not only finds work for idle hands to do, but he will use whomever he please, especially when that person leaves themselves wide open because they choose to scheme to get what they want. Choose your battles wisely and get the facts before you go off. It may require some professional counseling to ensure that what the child shared was true and not a retaliation for a behavior because they were disciplined or would be disciplined.
Parents if you are unable to see eye to eye and you live in separate homes or another blended family, DO NOT USE your children to create conflict in each others lives. Your children are not pawns and are the ones who end up getting hurt throughout your rivalry. The children are also the ones who suffer long-term because they become even more confused about what is going on and no one to properly guide them to an understanding. The relationship/marriage may have ended badly, but it is important to consider creating a harmonious environment to minimize animosity among the siblings where necessary. The outcome to help our children is for parents to avoid and/or minimize behaviors that may ultimately destroy the fabric of the family and what it should mean to our children regardless to whether they are living with both paternal parents, in a blended family or in a single parent household.
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